Dillon's Progress

It has been over a month since I last blogged. There have been so many things happening since I last posted. Dillon came home for his first "home pass" on October 8th and his dad took him back on Oct. 12th.
It was great to see the progress Dillon had made, and at the same time, you could tell that he wasn't quite ready to come back home. There was a time during the weekend when he wanted to go back to Grizzly early. He told me that it was really overwhelming to make decisions on his own. Since he had arrived on July 18th, there has been someone telling him what to do from the time he got up until the time he went to bed. When to get up, when to eat, when to go to the bathroom, what to do and how to do it. Now that he was home, he had so many choices and all of us asking him to make a decision. He became frustrated from time to time and it was a good chance for us to talk about all he had been through. One thing that was very clear, is that Dillon had been changing so quickly and the rest of us hadn't changed much at all. This was a huge learning experience for Dillon. When he gets back and returns to school in January, he is going to find that his friends and peers haven't changed that much. Dillon has not only changed physically, but emotionally as well. His experiences at GYA have forced him to grow up much sooner than he would on his own. He is meeting other young men and hearing about their stories, their lives, their families, and their struggles. Dillon was amazed at how people from a different area of California, northern vs southern for example, spoke with different understanding and slang. I pointed out to him that if people in California are very different, just imagine the thinking between different countries and different cultures. He is really starting to mature and think of someone besides himself.
I have learned that I have done a disservice to my children by giving them everything, have them want for nothing, and therefore keeping them sheltered. It's as if Dillon's eyes are opening for the first time. He is able to see passed his own small world and realize that the world is much bigger and broader than he ever knew. It has taken me 42 years to begin learning the lessons that he is learning at 16.
Although Dillon is still that playful, fun loving guy that left us over 3 months ago, he is now becoming less naive, and more patient and aware of the world around him. I'm not saying that he still isn't that little smart ass I spoke about a couple of months ago, but now he owns it. His awareness of himself is really amazing. He is able to express his feelings and really think about his reactions. He still acts out and can get dramatic, but his recovery time is really incredible. Is there a GYA for adults? I would love to sign up and learn a thing or two.
I'm not sure if Dillon realizes how much he is helping the rest of us to grow and change. His tenacity, his drive, his commitment has all been so amazing. This is a boy that had a .93 GPA. He was selfish, he was lazy, he had no drive, he was angry, and worst of all, he had no respect for himself. I don't mean to sound so hard on him because he also had his good qualities, but overall, he was going nowhere and he was going there fast. Today Dillon has a 3.8 GPA. He has struggled and survived everyday of this program. He is up at 5a.m. every single day, and not in bed until 9p.m. He works hard both physically and mentally. School is now a priority, and he loves doing the community service work. At the end of the day before the lights go out, he takes the time to write home and tell us how much he loves us. In his most recent letter, I read the words that every mom waits to hear.... "Mom, you are the best Mom ever and my life and family are perfect, the best! I couldn't ask for anything better for my life or my family. I love you so much! Dillon"
I cried tears of joy after reading that, and I have read it over and over.
It's not that he said I was the best mom or we had the best family....I'm sure there are better, faster, stronger Moms and families. But that doesn't matter. What matters is the Dillon feels accepted, he feels loved, he feels supported. He knows that although we are not a "perfect family", we have our good and our bad, we are the perfect family for him. All the nagging I do, I do because I love him. All the pushing and yelling and discipline and saying "NO"....I do because I love him and want what is best for him.
It's funny, because I just had a very similar talk with my older son Kyle. I know that I can be seen as a nag, or stubborn, or even a bitch occasionally. I do these things because I feel it is my duty. I will always push my children to reach a little farther, to go a little higher, to do things a little better. At the same time, I will always love them regardless of where their lives take them. I feel this is my duty as their mom. I don't feel a need to be their friend and I know I won't always be liked by them. I do however need them to know that they are loved and they will have a soft and safe place to land when needed. When I read Dillon's letter, I feel that he knows this.
I know we will butt heads from time to time, and we will love each other through it all.

Dillon's next trip home will be for Thanksgiving. I can't wait to see him and have more conversations with him. No matter how big your kids get, there is a comfort and a relief when you can hold them close to heart and know that they are safe in your arms. I can't always protect them or keep them out of trouble, but I can and will always love them.